Sleepless Nights

Sleepless nights
Closing in on the soul
Creeping up ever so often
Nay never enough soon

Waking the mind
From denial’s slumber deep
Pregnant with future’s child
Twin-born, of fears deep

Draining, life giving
Nature’s course in One
Unwelcome friend, my protector foe
These sleepless nights!

Shades of existence

Severly depressed to merely unenthusiastic
shades of existence or mere states of mind
lines of distinction blur swinging from one to another
hanging by hope of an unreal bliss
my day my night
my weekday drudgery my weekend respite
my shades of existence or my states of mind
my reality of late, nonetheless.

The Chained Elephant!

Amidst the global crisis of economy, culture, ideology and what you may have, India is increasingly seen as the sleeping Elephant that is eventually learning how to dance. No matter the sphere, the collective mindset and aspirations of the Indian diaspora seems to be fast climbing the ladders of global development standards.

However, as all change must find its seed in the individuals mind, so must the rise of a nations global role manifest itself in the sense of self worth in its citizens’ collective mindset. As I speak of this, nation states like China, Korea & Iran spring to the forefront – nations whose need to be well integrated into the potpourri of global dynamics, is as strong as that of any other. Unfortunately for India, that seems to be an art, which it still needs to learn.

The British came and left; and its been 60 years plus since that event came to pass. For the dominant class within India – the rising middle class, that has been an event at least a generation ago, if not more.
A generation spent a major part of its existence seeking its identity in a still fledgling national identity. A generation, whose aspirations were shackled by the hangover of colonialism and the bureaucracy of a nationalized economy. Until the torch bearers of the nation chose to unfetter themselves of the past and boldly march forth into the capitalistic future, with the United States as the unchallenged role model.

In the years thereafter, that march has only gathered momentum. Matters were made easier by the fact that the superpower of the industrial era almost voluntarily abdicated its throne to the star of the information era. And the role reversal, though practically complete, is still ongoing at a more subtle level. Whether it is at global forums or a simple acceptance of American spellings and usage in the Oxfords of the world – the transition continues.

Not far behind than its erstwhile colonial rulers in this transition, India follows suit, if not taking the lead in certain areas. From adopting and assimilating practically everything American, the difference between New Jersey and Delhi is fast vanishing. While I do not have anything against this evolving paradigm and blurring boundaries, I do wonder if we are not replacing one ruler by another. Can we as a collective consciousness not shake the need to constantly have an external identity to look upto? Can we, as a nation, feel and assert an individuality that is as newfound as the freedom of our global aspirations? True that we have historically had a collective mindset, an external locus of control, but today as we hope to stake our claim in the markedly capitalistic (and by extension, individualistic) world, can we use our past as a just alibi?

A chance manifestation of this was visible to me while witnessing an interview of Hillary Clinton by a highly reputed Indian journalist on national television. A journalist, who by her own achievements is as much a torchbearer of changing gender equations within the modern Indian society as she is representative of a modern thinking and questioning Indian mindset. It was further interesting to note that the questions posed during the brief interview were almost without exception posed from the standpoint of the Indian masses. What was hard to miss, atleast to me, were a few subtle manifestations of our chained minds.

While the issues discussed were of genuine significance and potential for future international relations, the overall tone was of immense gratitude bordering on a sense of relief. What can we hope to receive as the next set of candy to keep us content till you might decide to look our way again?

It left an aftertaste of a nation that has been the good child and has finally been granted the opportunity to redeem its good conduct. Of the good but ignored child that has finally been recognized as someone that exists and just might have an individuality and aspirations of its own. Of the good quiet child who is rewarded but once a year with a customary gift, in stark contrast to its recalcitrant sibling that has the knack of extracting more than his fair share from the parent. As if this was not enough, the body language and the smile-that-refuses-to-fade were so reminiscent of one’s teenage years. The giggle that just doesn’t subside when a fate puts us in the same physical space as one of our crushes.

What was worse, the fact that the overall tone was such or the fact that the interviewer was someone with immense social and intellectual standing within India? When such is the mindset of those at the forefront of our future, what hope does it bring for the rest of the masses?

And just when I thought that it was all coming to an end, the interview was politely wrapped up with a ‘Thank you Ma’am’. Although polite and acceptable, but how very colonial to someone whose nation holds the claim of bringing about a change from strict Sir/Madam hierarchical to a egalitarian first name basis.

Alas, while the person in question might be just fine being addressed with her first name, our minds seem to need the next Queen – as long as it is English!

While the chains on the Elephant's feet may have been removed, those in its mind still keep it captive!

A Fresh Effort

This space has been silent. And going by the memory of the internet (read ‘logs’), it seems it was almost an year ago that this space showed signs of any life.

One might ponder over the apparent bursts of life followed by long bouts of silence. One might even conclude that there was nothing to put up. Or maybe just too much that it never got done. Till a couple of moments ago I believed at least one of these reasons to be the true excuse.

I now believe that it’s more likely that just like a lot of us, this space has been seeking its identity, its purpose of existence. Choosing silence in the interim over relentless chatter cluttering up the purity of the still mind. I am not sure if the silence helped find oneself, or just helped lose oneself into nothingness.

Maybe its as important just being whatever one is, as it is important knowing what one really is.
And thus, I break my silence. Or so I would like to be at this moment..

This Pause

Raindrops falling
Outside my window
Dancing relentless on the walkway

Hands clutching
A warm coffee
Breathing meaning into my life

Mind numb
Reliving tranquil moments
Love lost, you and me!