When asked what was most important in the world, a philosopher responded that it is 'normality, common sense and reason'.
Relationships, I believe, drive us as a society. And it starts from the fundamental relationship between a man and a woman - whether as lovers looking to settle into 'holy matrimony' or even as a married couple looking to settle into 'love of my life'.
The complexities that entail this equation have intrigued even philosophers and saints, let alone worldly men - a testimony that its something so integral to our very existence that though one may avoid it but can't possibly ignore it while undergoing a wholesome human experience.
As I look around, I see each one of us grappling with the intricacies that love & its myriad facets bring. Happiness and misery alike, both springing forth equally. Almost as if as a collective consciousness we have failed to make sense of this one emotion; let alone master it despite centuries.
I am no expert, and definitely not an enlightened soul to offer a golden rule; but I do wonder if it is Love in itself that has us twisted in knots, or just our misguided (plausible) interpretations that takes our minds on a roller coaster one moment to the next.
Below, I attempt to make some sense of it, with a lot of help from many others who have walked this path before me.
Most parts of our daily existence tend to be ordinary, even unexciting. Keeping our heads down, steadily striving day to day, can be tiring; even fatiguing. Entertaining ourselves to rejuvenate our minds, parties, hobbies, friends - all can be dulling, not to mention empty after a while. And then at some point, Love/ relationship happens.
Irrespective how Love finds us, with falling in love, days and nights change. Life is filled with drama and excitement. You are the lead character in a fairytale that was just waiting to happen.
Time passes, pages turn, and before long the person in the mirror is asking 'what just happened! This was meant to be more exciting. Where did those days go.'
And thereby hangs a tale..... a repetitive one at that!
Losing oneself in the excitement of love is risky. Once that changes its nature, the great passion it once inspired will seem nothing more than an illusion.
If we attempt to seek the love that was thus, we lose ourselves once again. Love then, is nothing more than escapism. What one is doing is retreating into a dream world, believing an illusion to be real. And time & again feeling nothing but emptiness. If you try to use love as an escape, the euphoria is unlikely to last for long. If anything, you may find yourself with even more problems along with a great deal of sadness and pain.
Love isn't just Romance, though the latter is surely a significant part. Love to be fulfilling, is definitely a whole lot more than just that.
On the same lines, Romance isn't love, its infatuation - attraction thats destined to pass.
Love in the ordinary sense involves attachment. And with attachment comes the pain of change, separation and loss. As our minds and bodies change, so does the mix in our relationship. If the coming together was based on pure attraction, it was destined to fade away anyways - as is the inherent nature of attraction. If it was more than only attraction, as is probably the case, why then must we confine the health of a relationship only within this one aspect?
There is a time for everything in life, and a place for everything to be in your life. That is the way of reason, that is the way of balance - nature's eternal law. And a healthy mix of everything is as much an antidote to boredom as probably anything else.
For if a soulmate is someone who satisfies all our needs all the time, and our biggest need is for change, can a soulmate then, ever exist for us?
Love, when tempered by wisdom and free of unhealthy attachment, can be a key to fulfillment. Love, that is based on true friendship - a stirring of generosity, kind words, mutual support and consistent effort -- it makes the highs and lows worth the ride.
Incomprehensible it may seem - Love without attachment. Some degree of attachment is inevitable in an intimate connection, it isn't necessarily unwholesome attachment. Through this attachment, you learn about non-attachment - not clinging.
Every relationship can be way for two people to grow. Each is a mirror for the other, reflecting any character flaws that need modification, any residue of possessiveness, anger, or self-preoccupation. Modifying not to compromise, but to complement. To be more able; to grow and to expand oneself.
For however much you try, you can never run away from yourself. If you remain weak, suffering will find you wherever you go. You will never find happiness if you don't change yourself from within. Happiness is not something that someone else, like a lover, for instance can give you.
If the above be true, and happiness is ultimately independent of our relationship - does it really matter if it is with X or Y; or even if it continues to exist in the first place?
It does matter. For Love can be the path to enlightenment. Just don't expect romantic love to do it for you.
A healthy relationship is one in which two people encourage each other to reach their respective goals while sharing each others hopes and dreams. A relationship should be a source of inspiration, invigoration and hope. It is a force that helps you expand your life and bring forth your innate potential with freshness and dynamic vitality.
If your relationship is healthy, and the love is based on serene wisdom, then through that relationship you can develop as a person. Such a relationship serves to strengthen, elevate and enrich the inner realm of your life. Ultimately, the kind of relationships you form are a reflection of your own state of life, and vice versa.
The truth is, ideal love is fostered only between two sincere, mature and independent people.
As Richard Bach put it
"A soulmate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out & we can be completely and honestly who we are; we can be loved for who we are and not for who we're pretending to be. Each unveils the best part of the other. No matter what else goes wrong around us, with that one person we're safe in our own paradise. Our soulmate is someone who shares our deepest longings, our sense of direction. When we're two balloons, and together our direction is up, chances are we've found the right person. Our soulmate is the one who makes life come to life."
How fortunate then, it is to find a soulmate!
